Trigger Warning: Content Related to Pregnancy Loss and Medical Emergencies
This blog post contains sensitive content related to pregnancy loss and medical emergencies. The narrative discusses experiences of miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, and the associated physical and emotional challenges. Some readers may find these topics distressing or triggering. Please proceed with caution and prioritize your well-being while reading. If you are currently navigating similar experiences or feel overwhelmed by the content, you may choose to seek support from a trusted individual or mental health professional. Your self-care is paramount.
I wasn’t sure if I was cut out to be a parent. My own childhood had been fraught with challenges, leaving me apprehensive about taking on the responsibility of nurturing another life. But in 2011, everything changed with the arrival of my daughter. Holding her tiny form in my arms, I felt a profound shift within me. Despite my fears, I became the mother I had always needed – loving, nurturing, and fiercely protective. The notion that I might inadvertently harm a child, a lingering dread from my past, proved to be unfounded.
However, the journey to parenthood was filled with heartache. Our first daughter was a miracle. I was told I wouldn’t be able to have children. And yet, I carried her to almost full term. But when she was born, she was very sick and had to be rushed to Dell Children’s for urgent care. And we were told again that another pregnancy would be unlikely. I was using birth control when we experienced our first ectopic pregnancy. It absolutely shattered our hopes and dreams. Though the pregnancy was terminated medically, sparing both fallopian tubes, the pain of loss was acute. The void left by the absence of our unborn child was a poignant reminder of the fragility of life and the unpredictability of fate.
An ectopic pregnancy occurs when a fertilized egg implants itself outside the uterus, typically in a fallopian tube. This condition affects about 1 in every 50 pregnancies, posing serious risks to maternal health, including internal bleeding and organ damage. Sadly, ectopic pregnancies cannot result in a live birth and require medical intervention to prevent life-threatening complications.
Truth be told, until I experienced that ectopic pregnancy, the possibility of such a complication never even crossed my mind. Our societal reluctance to openly discuss miscarriages and ectopic pregnancies only served to compound the sense of isolation and shame surrounding pregnancy loss. The absence of candid conversations left us ill-prepared to navigate the emotional turmoil that accompanied our loss. We found ourselves grappling with feelings of discomfort, unable to articulate our pain or seek solace in the support of others. The silence that shrouded our experiences left us adrift, unable to fully acknowledge our grief or mourn the loss of our unborn child.
Driven by our shared desire to expand our family, we embarked on the journey of adoption, ready to welcome a new member into our midst. Yet, the path to adoption proved to also be fraught with unexpected challenges and hurdles, each curveball testing our resolve and determination. Faced with having to restart the entire adoption process, we made the decision to explore other avenues in our quest to conceive. Despite the setbacks and uncertainties that lay ahead, we remained steadfast in our commitment to growing our family, embracing the hope and possibility that a new life would soon grace our lives once more.
As we impatiently awaited the results of the pregnancy test, the sight of one blue line and one blue cross left us momentarily stunned. Doubt crept in, accompanied by a flurry of questions. Was this truly a positive result? Could it be that we were indeed expecting? Determined to dispel any lingering doubts, we decided to take another test. And another. With each positive result, reality began to sink in, mingling with a sense of awe and anticipation. Anxious to confirm the news, we wasted no time in contacting my obstetrician. Utilizing the first day of my last period as a reference point, we estimated that I was approximately eight weeks along and swiftly scheduled an ultrasound to catch a glimpse of the tiny life we created. Each passing moment was imbued with a palpable sense of excitement and wonder, as we eagerly awaited the chance to witness our growing miracle on the ultrasound screen.
You remember, I was told I couldn’t have children at all. Having my daughter was a miracle. This baby? What’s greater than a miracle?
In the midst of what should have been joyous anticipation, our journey took a harrowing turn. We were pregnant, awaiting our first sonogram to share the news with loved ones. However, unexpected abdominal pain disrupted our plans. It subsided the next day and seemed like it was just some cramping. The next night, the pain escalated to an unbearable intensity, making it near impossible to sleep. I dozed off but something woke me up. The early morning brought a grim discovery – I awoke covered in blood. But I was so tired, so I cleaned myself off and went back to bed. I woke up again and told my husband that I think I need to get to the doctor. The totality of what was happening escaped me and I was completely out of it at this point. Our doctor rushed us in and our worst fears were confirmed: the pregnancy was ectopic. The news didn’t end there, though. The pregnancy had ruptured my right fallopian tube, causing my abdomen to fill with blood as I continued to bleed out.
That ultrasound felt like the longest 10 minutes of my life.
Without hesitation, our doctor directed us to the hospital for emergency surgery to remove the damaged tube and administer a blood transfusion. She was prepared to do the surgery herself. If I’m being honest, I don’t think either my husband or myself realized just how serious this was until my doctor was prepared to rush us into surgery herself. If I recall, I think I even asked her if this could wait until the next day because we had a busy schedule. The blood loss and pain did not help with my cognitive decision making.
Our doctor made it very clear that time was of the essence, and that had we delayed this surgery to the next day, this conversation would be much more dire than it already was.
As I was wheeled into surgery, uncertainty hung heavily in the air. Our surgeon prepared us with two potential outcomes: The likely scenario, or Plan B: Open surgery and a full hysterectomy. The best case scenario, or Plan A: laparoscopic surgery and a fallopian tube removal and any repairs that are needed. Regardless, I would need a blood transfusion due to the severe blood loss.
The surgeon asked me if this was a wanted pregnancy. Yes, it was. She asked me if we wanted more kids. Yes, we did. I needed Plan A to be the plan.
Fortunately, the surgical team managed to avert the need for a hysterectomy, a stroke of luck amidst the chaos. It did increase my surgery time, but thankfully, my body did great. However, the gravity of the situation was not lost on us. The realization that my life hung in the balance, that a delay in seeking medical help could have been fatal, shook us to the core. In part because I almost didn’t tell my husband I needed to go to the doctor urgently. By that point, I had lost a lot of blood and I was diminishing the seriousness of what was going on.
A flip of a mental coin saved my life.
Now, in the aftermath of this traumatic ordeal, we find ourselves navigating the complex terrain of grief and recovery. We mourn the loss of our baby. Yet, even as we grapple with sorrow, there is a glimmer of gratitude for the narrow escape from tragedy. The road to healing won’t be a straight line, but we’re ready to face the journey together.
This experience has underscored the importance of speaking openly about pregnancy loss, especially ectopic pregnancies. Too often shrouded in silence, these experiences carry profound implications for maternal health and well-being. By sharing our story, we hope to shed light on the realities of ectopic pregnancy and the urgent need for awareness and support. In doing so, we honor the memory of our lost baby and advocate for greater compassion and understanding for those who have walked this painful path.
